I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
