Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Randomize
