in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
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