So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
