I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
