I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
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