the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
I understand Curling. That high.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Randomize