So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
