I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
