I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Is it because I queefed?
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
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