Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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