I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
