Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
