Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
My liver just broke up with me...
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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