I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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