if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
