ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Randomize
