he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
