She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
