I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
