i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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