RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
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