It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
