I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
