Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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