I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
