Welp...herpes.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
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