There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
