just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
