I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
