Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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