I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
