Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Randomize
