i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
two words...techno handjob
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Randomize
