You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
