Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
