Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I just gargled with NyQuil
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
