you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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