Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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