im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
