I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
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