i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
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