I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize
