I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
