i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
