This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize