i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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