FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
