well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Randomize
