I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize