My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
