I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
We smell like vodka and hangover
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
