suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
