Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
