Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
