also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Everything about him screamed your future.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
