I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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