i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
