Where did you get a picture of my penis
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
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