If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
