How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
