it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I'm getting married
To pizza
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize