I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
