please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I FOUND THE LEGS
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
