are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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