so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize
