my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
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