I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I think weed is turning my hair brown
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
