he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
