Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
